It takes two to tango?
It takes an orchestra to tango!
It takes an orchestra to tango!
I think I’ve finally figured out why relationships are scary! It’s because there’s constantly challenging!!!!
The first challenge is getting the other person to be as interested in you as you are in him/her.
Once that’s established, you’ll either need to take that first step, or work to encourage the other person to do so!
So now you’re together… and it’s all warm and fuzzy…you think you’ve found the love of your life, your soul mate, wel donya rabee3 wel gaw badee3…
TARAAAAAAAAAAAA….
You start knowing each other!
By the nature of human beings… the first fight is bound to happen!
So you experience the ugly side in each other. The challenge now is to have the brains and the heart to weigh the beautiful and the ugly…
Say you find out that beauty prevails… and you get past the fights. Again by the nature of things, ups and downs of life, you’ll face the biggest challenge of all. The TRUST challenge.
If, and only if, you get past that and fully trust that person with your mind and heart; then you might have a chance in carrying on happily with this relationship. Otherwise, the relationship is doomed!
Assume you’re both healthy mature intellectuals with no serious trust issues and do manage to establish mutual TRUST. (notice the capitals? Yes! It’s that important)
You continue your “honeymoon” period for as long as it lasts. You continue to explore each other’s interests, likes and dislikes, habits, rituals, eccentricities, mood shifts (notice the negative vibe crawling in?)…etc
Here’s where you hit the Maturity Challenge. Where you know enough about each other, get used to each other, and can together have a quiet NORMAL day. (Normal? That’s freaky! Right?)
It means the relationship is stable. Routine starts creeping into your lives. “Structure” as my friend/sister calls it. Boredom as I call it. Bottom line, romance is dead!
Mind you, this isn’t a problem when the relationship is between friends. But when it’s a romantic relationship, it’s a serious cause for a major PANIC!
Why?
Is it because we fear to be absolutely exposed to our partners? How come we’re not scared to be exposed to friends?
Or is it because we’re scared they’ll lack interest once they know that… this is everything… that’s all we’ve got? How come again we don’t fear that from friends?
Is it because we got used to that adrenaline rush throughout the journey and we are addicted to it?
A classical solution suggested by relationships experts is for couples to have separate lives, sustain independent activities, and to accept stability as a matter of fact (yawn … zzZZzzZZz).
Here I’m guessing is the root problem….
Will boredom cause loss of interest?
I guess that’s a major factor in the increasing divorce frequency?
Well, how come our parents maintain interest after 40+ years of boredom?
(all of you genuinely happily coupled, please explain) :-)
11 comments:
عندي محاضرة طويلة بخصوص العلاقات و الزواج اتمنى افضى و اكتبها
موضوع مثير و واقعي
ma6goog,
waiiiiting 3ala nar :-)
Hmmmm ..
شد انتباهي الموضوع جدا
لأني شخصيا عندي نفس التساؤلات
--------------------------------
Well, how come our parents maintain interest after 40+ years of boredom?
some people maintain the marrige for other reasons, not naccessarliy interest .. While others have their own ways of reviving their marriges after all these years
-----------------------------------
Will boredom cause loss of interest?
not really .. but eventually yes. That's why couples have to find new things/activities to do.
and in my opinion deeratna matshajje3.. so think outside the box ;p
------------------------------------
Last but not least
How come we’re not scared to be exposed to friends?
That's why I see it somewhat wise, for the couple to start off as friends ..
آسفة على الإطالة
و بس ;p
butterfly,
nawwartay el post in rainbow colors :-)
you're right about some maintaining marriage for other reasons. I just wonder about those who maintain interest. For example, my dad still goes panicy if my mom ever leaves the house without him. He stays glued to the phone just in case she calls! after 40+ years you'd think he'd be looking forward to her leaving the house lol
as for the last question, even when couples start out as friends, they always maintain "some" room for mystery if there's a potential for a romantic relationship. Right?
I love your input, keep them coming :-)
Ok, I just wrote a LONG reply and lost it :((
My opinion is that there are two seperate issues:
1) Exposure: This goes back to the issue of trust and strength of the relationship. We are less worried about being exposed to friends because the risk of losing them is less dramatic and/or we get exposed to them gradually so there are no major surprises.
In romatic relationships we fear full exposure when we don't have enough trust in the relationship or the other person or ourself ;)
But when we take the risk and pass the test, the relationship is taken to a whole new level.
2) STRUCTURE and boredom: structure and boredom are two different issues. You can see individuals who comit suicide because their lives have no meaning (boredom) despite the fact of lack of structure!
The effect of structure and routine (two different things too) is a major function of one's personality. Some personalities thrive on structure, other are freaked out by it. Most people are somewhere is between.
Marriage (as the ultimate structure in a relationship) does not mean boredom.
You avoid boredom when the couple have some common iterests (work, hobbies, family, pets .. etc) AND when both get their "ME" time.
Marriages (relationships) fail because couples do not enjoy their time together and because they lose their private space.
Ok, I talked more than your original post. Sorry :)
I'll stop here!
ummel3yal,
being our psychologist/expert, I feel like I've tapped into your experience zone :-p
as for exposure, i understand trust and self esteem are factors. I think the bigger factor is in attempting to maintain privacy.
For example, in movies, they show couples using the bathroom together! I know this is extreme but that's the kind of privacy i think is necessary :-)
Now the matter of structure.
Those who believe their lives have no meaning are not bored. They hate themselves and hate life accordingly. That's a totally different story.
Structure to me means routine. Wake up at 8, have 3 cups of coffee, go to the bathroom, be at work at 10, leave at 4....etc
what does structure mean to you?
i agree with common interests and me time :-)
don't worry about going on and on and on and...
:-*
Boredom is loss of interest. When people lose interest in living, they are bored :)
Routine, is doing things in repeated cycles: eating lunch at 2:00 everyday, going to the movies every weekend .. etc.
Structure is having limitations and boundaries - a shape. In marriage, for example, the structure is seen when you no loger feel good about eating alone while you don't know what your hubby's plans for it. Or having to check with him before deciding on your next travel trip .. etc. These can be very annoying if you do them out a sense of "duty" .. But these are natural when you "share" your life with someone. And they don't have to turn into a routine!
hmmm excellent post arfana but u know something the problem that I see in q8 is sexual separation that's what makes marriage/relations fail in a way which isn't meant to be in the 1st place.
let me show u how do I for example use the process of choice to select my partner. I classify females based on a group of traits examples:
- met7ajbah / non met7ajbah
- graduate/ non-graduate
- belong to certain social class
i.e. rich, middle, low....etc
-has certain physical and
facial features i.e. looks and
shape.
note* I haven't added that if a person has good ethics or not cuz in q8 every person we propose to/getting proposed from is crystal clear if he/she is bad we will know that afterwards :P.
how do i make my choice?
i take a certain mixture of traits then decide.
ok "Blacklight" do u call this a way of choosing a future human being partner ? Hell NO! but u cant blame me for being shallow. I don't know the person well what drives me to lower my standards? that's selfish isn't "Blacklight"? yes it is but I belong to a selfish lousy society blame them 1st not me :p. I'm isolated from the other sex what should i do?
(End of selfish "Blacklight" mishap :p)
i truly believe that most of people face the same mishap but its not our personal fault I also believe that ;).
if male/female friendship was common in our society such mishap wont appear I'm sure of it.
oh yeah back to the topic that what really makes ppl fail in thier emotional life. thier choices were wrong at the 1st place.
!ما عندي شي أقوله
I was nodding agreeably through the whole post, Arfana.
Scary yet very, very true observations.
ألحين شسوي؟
I'm in love these days and don't wanna lose it.
ummel3yal,
structure, boundries, system...etc all lead to routine. ZzZz lol
blacklight,
first of all, congratulations :-) you're one of the very few who admit of having shallow standards. I agree with you that our society has made it even more difficult.
for your last line, it's interesting that when we're in love, we always think "that's the one". We never say "it was the wrong choice for me" unless it doesn't work out :-)
Sometimes it doesn't work out even it it was the perfect choice. Maybe too perfect ;-) But we're just too proud to admit that! :-)
my dearest of raindears (shosho),
it's a rare beatiful feeling; just enjoy it and stop fussing. worry about it when there's a problem. don't create one :-p
ghasheema,
you have earned your A++ ba3ad :-)
i'm cureous, are you saying starting a family is the only factor in making a relationship serious?
You're probably right about el me6afeeg. But then, they have to start somewhere right?! :-)
As long as our society is going backwards, we'll keep having these problems.
Post a Comment